Directed by Chris Watson (2003)
Reviewed by Steve, added on Dec 21 2007
So listen to Splattercast #55. Its okay, Iíll wait. Did you hear the part where I try to describe this movie? I seriously have no fucking idea what to say about it. Other than itís bad. Itís soooo fucking bad.
Letís see if I can do better here.
The movie opens with a father and son out in some random wilderness. Turns out father and son come from a long line of holy zombie killers. Unfortunately for them, the father gets killed by the head zombie before he can complete his sonís training. Cut to several years later and the son, Mark, has now become a crooked cop. He and his partner, Cage, routinely kill or frame innocent people just for the dick of it. At this very same time in hell, the new head zombie and his head zombie henchman (played by Joe Estevez) decide that itís time to send the zombies back to earth to kill all of the human women. And then zombies randomly appear everywhere and kill everyone, men and womenÖ. Mark and Cage are called to the scene of the outbreak which is a college. They save some topless coeds and Mark begins having flashbacks of his zombie training. They take the coeds to a safe house where God (it might be God anyways) tells Mark of his heritage. Mark and Cage go to confront the new head zombie. Good defeats evil, roll credits.
Oh, I forgot to mention that the entire story is told over the radio by Brinke Stevens who plays a DJ. The story was related to her by Tom Savini who claims to be Jesus after he bangs Brinke. Donít think to hard about all that.
There are so many useless cameos in this movie that serve only to give it ďstarĒ power. Too bad all of the ďstarsĒ left their talent in their other trailer. Lloyd Kaufman plays a homophobic janitor, Linnea Quigley plays a principalÖ.there are a TON of b-movie stars here. And all of them suck just a little harder now for being in this movie. The highlight of the film though is Deadlanternís good buddy Uwe Boll cutting a promo at the beginning of the film telling you, the viewer, how bad it is and that you should not watch it. Oh, if only I had listened to Mr. Boll.
I think I gave this movie a 1 out of 10 on the cast. Looking back, I donít really know where that 1 came from. The acting, special effects, and story are bad even for a Troma movie. The jokes fall flat and I know kids in wheelchairs with blue boxing helmets that could make a better film than this. There is no reason for anyone out there to ever watch this movie. If it ever gets recommended to you on Netlfix, cancel your account.
I hope Chris Watson gets colon cancer. In his eyes.